Thursday, May 3, 2012

Wow Lady…er…Man…er Person, what have you done to yourself?!?

So my wife says I need to include more pictures and funny anecdotes into my blog.  Here you go, Lisa.  These are for you:

Most of you probably saw the pictures of the mom who was charged with taking her daughter to a tanning salon.  If you didn’t, here she is:

Wow.  OK, is it just me, or does she look like William H. Macy?  Also, a random tidbit for all of you parents with toddlers who love Curious George, did you know that William H. Macy is the narrator for many of the episodes?  Yes, Frank Gallagher himself explains away the misadventures of the Man in the Yellow Hat and his furry little friend.  Something just seems wrong with that.  It’s like the actor who plays Mr. Noodle in Elmo’s World also played a recurring serial killer on CSI.  Talk about the opposite of typecasting!

I also can’t help but notice that this lady looks like my son after he’s eaten a chocolate candy bar.  He’s got chocolate plastered all over his face and hands—not quite sure why he can’t seem to get it into his mouth—but we go through tons of Wet Naps after he gets his treat.  I digress.  This lady also looks like beef jerky.  I just want to know who is telling her that she looks great with that raw-hide, cocoa complexion.  There should be a law for tanning salon owners like they have for bartenders.  When you have a few too many, you’re shut off.  Especially for this lady, because if she keeps this up, her face is going to melt off like the Nazi in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Next we have the transgender couple accused of calling in the bomb threats to the University of Pittsburgh.  What a lovely-looking couple:

I’m not going to criticize these people for their choices to change genders.  I’m sure that these people--that all transgendered people for that matter--struggle with their genders and their identities throughout their lives.  I could not imagine making that decision and then actually going through with it.  Unless we can stand in their shoes, we have no idea what adversity they face both inside and out.  Kudos to them for being true to themselves!

That being said, uh, LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE!  The male, Seamus Johnston, still has the hands and hips and face of a woman.  And the female, Katherine Anne McCloskey, well, all I have to say is that even if she were still a he, he/she’d be one scary dude!  Like Andre the Giant’s little sisterbrother.  Yikes!

I guess the FBI returned their computers to them.  The article in our local newspaper lists Vinco as their place of address.  I’ve been to Vinco.  A state trooper gave me a ticket for going 75 MPH in a 55 MPH zone on Route 22 last year on the way home from Pittsburgh, despite the fact that I had just set my cruise control at 68 MPH and the highway switched from 55 to 65 only a few hundred yards in front of where I was pulled over.  Anyway, I pled down to speeding in excess of 10 MPH before the magistrate—and I still think the whole thing was a scam because that trooper was allowing EVERYONE there to plead down to 10 MPH/2 points.  Again, I digress.  I had to drive through Vinco to get to the district court, and I’m not even sure the town has a traffic light.  My point is, if these people live there, they have to be the most popular people in town.  It’s kinda like Port Allegany up in northern Pennsylvania.  It’s a tiny town, but there’s a strip joint there called Busty Heart’s Place, home to the world famous Busty Heart with breasts that require 46H cups to hold them.  I have family that lives in Port Allegany, and when we were visiting a few years ago, we saw Busty (had no idea who she was at the time) walk into the Sheetz store.  We couldn’t help but stare at her and the two beach balls that were haphazardly covered with a size XXXXXXXXXXXL T-shirt.  Only then did we learn that she’s been on all sorts of shows and is wildly popular.  Shortly thereafter, I was in a business meeting talking about Port Allegany, and one of the guys I was meeting with actually referenced Busty Heart’s Place.

So back to this couple, I can only imagine the publicity they get living in Vinco.  They have to be the local celebrities.  Who knows if they actually called in the bomb threats or not, but I’ll bet they’re pretty good at clearing out rooms and buildings with just their presence alone.  Why do this to yourselves, people?  I mean, perhaps I don’t know enough about what it takes to switch genders, but it seems to me as if Seamus hasn’t had enough testosterone therapy and Katherine hasn’t had enough estrogen.  At least shave your head, Seamus, or maybe grow some facial hair.  And Katherine, uhh, well, I don’t know what to tell you.  You went from an ugly man to a really ugly woman.  Maybe get a wig or something?  I’d love to meet these two, though.  They seem like fascinating people.

Which brings me to my final observation:

This transgendered lady was ticketed for using a ladies restroom at a hospital in Dallas.  I guess she went in, did her business, and as she was leaving, she heard a woman say, “That’s a man.”  She was then chased down by a police officer who gave her a ticket.  The police department is still investigating the incident.

Ok, in defense of the police (which is rare because I generally have a negative impression of all police, especially state troopers who sit on Route 22 in Cambria county), this lady really does look like a man.  I would hate to be a cop in today’s society.  With so many transsexuals and transgenders out there, how in the heck would you know what to do in this situation?  The world is crazy, has always been crazy, and will always be crazy, but I also think that people are far more sensitive than they were thirty or fifty years ago.  Why did that other lady feel so compelled to chase down a police officer about a man using the women’s restroom?  One of my cousins just accidentally did the same thing a week or two ago.  It happens.  And I mean, seriously, if this dude really was a perv dressing up as a woman just to sneak into women’s restrooms to spy on other women, don’t you think he would have put a little more effort into actually making himself LOOK LIKE A WOMAN?

Why in the world do these people do these things to themselves?  You’ve got women tanning to the point that they look like living turds and people switching genders but obviously not getting enough done to make them actually look like their new gender.  Is it a sickness?  Again, I’m not talking about gender identity disorder, which I believe to be a real illness.  I’m talking about people that alter their appearance to the point where they look like absolute freaks.  I mean, if you’re going to switch your gender, do it Chaz Bono style and really make yourself look like that fat guy that always hung out by the keg at every college party you ever went to.  Don’t do it half-assed.  And really, if you feel like your natural skin color is just revolting and you need to alter it, why not just get a tattoo or three or a hundred?  At least then you won’t be dying from skin cancer in two years.

Like this guy:

I've always loved his look.  He was a performer in the Jim Rose Circus I saw back in 1994.  That's the way to do it.  Go all out, men/women!  You know, in another life, I’d do this.  No seriously, I would.

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